Questions Regarding Friendzone Escaping

by Pete

Pete asks:

Hello, I was reading your article about escaping the friendzone and I have a few questions about it. First I would like to explain my case to you because it is, in my opinion, a bit specific.

The story

I knew a girl for twelve years - we went to elementary and high school together. We never were really friends in the sense of hanging out, going somewhere together etc. (okay, we went to coffee a few times randomly, but we never hung out frequently, like you usually do with friends), but we had positive attitudes about one another. I thought she was cool and she thought I was cool. In the last year of high school, I fell in love with her. Obviously, there was nothing I could do to avoid being "friendzoned", because what should have I done? I couldn't have known, in the first year of elementary school as a 7 year-old kid that I will fall in love with that girl 11 years later. We finished high school, but unfortunately, we didn't go to same colleges. I asked her to go to a coffee a couple of times, but she was always with college stuff. I couldn't endure anymore, so I texted her telling her how I feel, and she said she only sees me as a friend and that there is no chance whatsoever that she could ever be with me. So here are my questions:

1.) Am I right when I say that I wasn't really friendzoned since we don't hang out frequently, we don't go out to places together etc. - and that's what friends usually do. Am I right when I say that I'm not in the friendzone, but in the "something-between-a-friend-and-an-acquaintance-zone"? Or are those two things the same?

2.) If they're not the same, what should I do? Should I first try to get myself properly frienzoned and then drop all contact with her and then comeback some time later (like you describe in the article), or should I drop all contact right now (there hardly is any contact, truth be told)?

3.) You said to give it a 3-4 months before the comeback, but are there any signs or clues that I can use to know when the right time to do that is? I don't want to do it too early or too late.

4.) When I will slowly change the friendzone frame like you described in the article, I need to make her (quote from your text) "start accepting your new role as a cool guy and not as the friend zone guy or nice guy". Are there any signs that I can watch on her to know when this has happened, because if I try to ask her again too early, it's over, right?

I thank you in advance for your cooperation and help. I really liked your article because all the others on the internet were about avoiding the friendzone, and that isn't much help for me because of the reasons I described above.

Gary Answers:

Hey there! That's quite the question you've brought up I'll do my best to answer it all!

Well, let's first go into the general idea and then into the specifics. I can tell you like this girl a lot or else you wouldn't have taken the time to write down the question, right?

Of course!

There goes problem #1. Being TOO into a girl will usually play against you unless she has that same level of interest in you.

As humans we like a little bit of a challenge - at least in the attraction stage of any developing relationship.

Being friendzoned basically means that this girl doesn't see you as a potential mating partner. This is no one's fault, it's just the way things naturally developed between you guys.

It has nothing to do with being actual friends. The usual friendzoning case occurs between friends and that's why they call it that.

Bottom line is that when a guy gets friendzoned by a girl, it means there's no "man-to-woman" connection in the way they interact with each other.

The "I like you as a friend" line actually means: I think you are a nice person but I don't really feel any attraction emotions for you.

The action plan:

Like I explained in the friend zone article; nothing is guaranteed, you can only try your best and it will mean putting a lot of effort into it.

Since I don't actually know any of you guys I'll give you a theoretical analysis of what it means to escape the friendzone and how it relates to you.

Being friendzoned has two main parts to it:

  • No man-to-woman communication: As we've evolved as humans there are certain behaviors that are rather sub-communicated and will tell a woman "I am a mating partner" "I am an alpha male" "I'm not a beta male".

    These behaviors will usually trigger emotions in a woman's mind, it's almost automatic. Of course, portraying those behaviors is not as simple as just doing a few things. Women just instinctively "feel" when a guy is the real deal and when he's not.

    Knowing at least the basics of those behaviors and acting accordingly when you're around girls you're attracted to is called man-to-woman communication. You don’t have to be perfect at it to create attraction, however the better you get at it the more attractive you'll be to women in general.

    Learn About How Attraction Works

    Man to woman communication is the #1 way to AVOID the friendzone. However, if you want to escape it, you still have got to learn how to act in a more attractive manner.

  • Escaping Established Roles: When you first meet someone; you don't usually know what they are like and this causes a little uncertainty and anxiety. Finally at some point you get this person to fit into a pre-conceived role and everything feels "safe“ again.

    Let's say you meet someone new today; at first you're trying to label this person into a role. "Is he a dork, a nerd, a cool guy, popular, a weirdo, a nice guy?"

    Let's say you establish that he's a cool guy. At this point your mind can relax and fall into relaxation. You no longer have to figure out what role this person plays in society.

    This happens for social groups and friends in general. Once you're labeled it's pretty hard to escape the label.

The Combination to Escape it:
Now you know both those factors. You can put a little more personal sense to what my previous article says and how to relate it to your case.

How do you become a real deal "alpha male" that creates attraction and communicates with attractive girls in a man-to-woman manner?

Here's a great article on the topic.

Learn How to Generate Attraction in Women

How do you escape the labels this girl has put on you?

That's hard because there other factors involved, like social pressure for example.

The best thing one can do to escape a label is to go through a "reset stage".

This is why I propose cutting contact and disappearing for some time. The best way to get rid of a label is to make people forget it and then apply the changes that will make people label you differently.

A friendzone can be an excellent motivation to improve your skills with girls.

Anyway, let's wrap this up by giving you specific answers to all your questions even though they've been answered already in this article.

1.) Friendzone is about not being seen as a mating partner, not about being actual friends. However, it's worse when you're friends with the girl because the roles are stronger.

2.) Just take some time to work on yourself and do the things you love.

3.) The "sign" comes from yourself actually. It's about when YOU are ready and not emotionally reactive.

4.) Women show unconscious signs when they are attracted. You should NEVER obsess about these signals, but it's a good thing to know what they are.

Learn to Read Her Body Language

My advice:

Go for it. Go work on your lady skills and then some time after, when you care a little less go back for this girl if you think it's worth a shot. The most important thing in this context is YOU.

Best wishes!

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Jul 02, 2014
by: Ken

It's always harder than it seems but possible.

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