Having low self confidence is tough. Good news is that any bit of confidence you get will help you a lot, even better news is that when you really put an effort into it, you can actually have massive improvement.
Starting to improve your confidence from a point of low self confidence actually becomes a better start than when you do it starting having some confidence. Making success out of a lower starting point is actually easier than making success out of a medium or advanced starting point, as you realize that there’s actually nothing to lose, the motivation to do whatever it takes comes easier.
You can become as self-confident as you want if you put continuous effort into it and find the correct guidance.
To start improving your low self confidence you must first understand where it comes from.
Why are some people more confident than others?
Some people have developed the right neuronal connections, this means that their mind processes their social experiences in a positive way no matter what, on the other hand some people interpret their social experiences negatively… no matter what.
I used to be guilty of this last one.
Guy with positive self-image:
Confident guy feels entitled to attractive girls, so he goes over and talks to a very attractive girl. Let’s say the girl responded negatively. He’d probably think that there’s something wrong with her, maybe she’s having a bad day or maybe she’s just too scared to talk to him.
The way a guy with a positive self-image thinks empowers his life, builds up his good self-image even further and feeds the self-fulfilling prophecy of confidence.
Take the same situation with a guy who has a negative self-image:
He approaches the girl and let’s just say he actually gets a positive reaction from the girl, she smiles and is open to talk with him.
He would probably think that there’s something wrong with that girl because she’s talking to him, she might just be doing it out of pit or to make fun of him.
Same situation, different reactions but in the end your self-image will
define EVERYTHING. This is especially true when you're starting with low self confidence.
You must right now make the decision to change your self-image and “un-wire” the negative connections in your mind so that you can start cultivating confidence, a positive self-image and self-trust.
The way you un-wire the bad mental connections and turn them into good mental connections is by first realizing that: There’s nothing inherently wrong with YOU, there’s just something wrong with the way you’re interpreting your social experiences.
YOU are ok, it is the “wiring” that must change.
This is the first and most important thing that must change to improve your low self confidence, negativity is your absolute WORST enemy.
Negativity is you destroying your self-image, and this must STOP. Change your negativity into extreme positivity and self-love.
Start noticing your thoughts every day, are they positive or are they negative? If they’re negative, you know that they’re only reinforcing the negative self-image and that’s just making you less confident.
Make a 30 day challenge:
Start now, for 30 days straight you will stop being negative. Whenever you notice yourself being negative you must immediately change this thought into a positive one, if you ever find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts for too long, you must restart the 30 days.
Easiest and more effective way to start “un-wiring” your negative mind is to pay attention to the thoughts that wonder around in it and to replace them with good thoughts.
Why? Once again, because this is how you build a positive self-image and start interpreting your social experiences in a positive way. Positivity is a habit.
Can I stress that you must stop being negative enough?
Being realistic usually means being negative, don’t hide behind the excuse that you’re just thinking things in a negative way because things are just negative and like sucks, come on.
If negativity blurs your sight into seeing things “realistically” with a negative vision, imagine the benefits of buying into your own positivity propaganda and blurring your sight to naturally see things positively and improve your outlook in life and improve your low self confidence.
Now that you know that the work must be done to change the way your mind interprets things, you must actually take further action.
Just like there is a positive confidence self-fulfilling prophecy, there’s a negative one. Not having any confidence will usually make people react negatively which will usually lower your self-confidence, then, making you think that people will react badly makes you less confident and actually makes people react in a bad way.
Objectively see how this works and simply destroy the cycle, you can’t control other people’s reactions, so you must cut the part where bad reactions lower your confidence.
Breaking the cycle goes through being competent, skills play a role, even if you’re not feeling too confident; good social skills will cause good social interactions and this is exactly what you’re looking for.
Start working on your social skills and just psych yourself out of other’s reactions because they’re not under your control, be completely selfish about working on your social skills and your positivity at first.
This way you’ll be able to jump in the good social loop.
As you work on improving your confidence, you should always focus on the process and not on the results. The results will be a by-product of becoming a more confident and social person, the results might come quickly at first but if you start focusing on getting them you’re going to have a bad time.
Instead, focus on the process, be happy every time you did what had to be done in any social situation.
By focusing on the process, you take the pressure off your “performance” and this allows you to be more confident in any situation. Coming from a place of low self confidence, this is extremely important to keep you motivated as you might not be seeing good results at first.
One last step is the self-acceptance vs self-improvement paradox. By working on your skills you take on the attitude that you are actually fixing something about yourself. Notice that in reality if you 100% trusted yourself and your performance in every situation you would act confident.
These ideas kind of contradict themselves, you must be able to deal with this paradox.
I like to think of myself as a vector. Yeah, like in math, a vector is a geometric quantity having magnitude (or length) and direction.
Consider your “length” to be where you’re starting right now regarding your confidence goals, fully trust wherever you’re standing right now, fully accept who you are, this is self-acceptance and it breeds confidence. You must take a self-accepting attitude or you’ll always be chasing more confidence when in reality it’s all inside you.
You are already in the good top 1% of the world just because you're working in your confidence and no one else ever does.
On the other hand, a vector has a direction, this direction is where you’re heading whilst you’re fully accepting where you are, you know that you’re moving in a direction in your life where you will be more confident and self-assured. Knowing that your life is aiming in a better direction will also be a good source of confidence.
Starting from a place of low self confidence isn’t all that easy, to break out of it you’ll need discipline and willpower, but as you start from scratch you’ll have nothing to lose and be able to try more new things. Go out and get social.