Your confidence is the main thing that will teach you how to get over shyness, confidence will dictate all your social opportunities.
If you’re a confident guy; people will generally like you and want to be friends with you. If confidence were easy to get, everyone would get it.
Learning how to get over shyness means making a lifestyle change. You must start facing those situations that make you scared, and basically make the decision that this is your new life: Building comfort in situations you think are uncomfortable.
Let’s call it the “Right Social Thing to Do” (RSTTD) Rule:
You get the general idea of how fighting fear works, it’s like a “fake it till’ you make it” kind of deal. If you do the right social thing to do every time; you will slowly develop confidence in your social skills and get more and more comfortable.
Labels are a way of social pressure. If you start being called “the shy guy” or “the quiet guy” by others and to some extent you accept these labels as a part of you, you are being socially pressured to act accordingly.
If you start identifying with shyness, you’ll form an identity around being shy. You will always want to act according to that shy identity, and when you do something that is not congruent with that shy identity (like NOT being shy for example) you will feel like you are being fake.
Your identity will also make you feel entitled to what you think you deserve or don’t deserve, it’s your self-concept, who you think you are.
Your identity (that you want to change into an empowering one) will define what you believe you deserve and will tell your brain when to feel confident and when no to.
An easy way to help you change this identity is to use social pressure in your favor.
When new groups of people meet, they will unconsciously try to establish a hierarchy. In social groups that already have an existing hierarchy it’s much harder to change the hierarchical order of things.
If in your main group of friends you’re labeled as “the shy introverted guy” you should go find some new groups of friends where you can be considered the “cool guy” and you can work on developing that identity.
Social pressure exists to keep the natural order of things, use it to your advantage by finding situations and social circles where you can use this social pressure in a positive way.
Don’t go find a group of losers so that you can become the king of the losers, go find some other cool people where you can develop a cool guy identity around cool guys.
Being socially inexperienced, not going out much, not hanging out much or not being used to being around people isn’t the best way to learn how to get over shyness.
You should be putting yourself in those situations that allow you to be outgoing, a pretty easy way to do it is by being closer to your family.
I used to be the shy quiet guy around my family as well, I noticed that even as I was getting more outgoing with new friends, I would still be shy with my family. This created a certain feeling of fakeness in my own social skills.
It felt incongruent and I would also notice my friends being themselves around their families. Get rid of the incongruences in your life both by being social all the time as well as putting yourself in those social situations.
This is a little trick that will take you far. One does not get in a social mood magically, getting social works like turning up the volume, it happens gradually.
Best thing you can do before socializing is to warm up.
This means, you’ll start talking with people before going on that date, meeting with your friends or going to that party.
The ABSOLUTE BEST thing that can happen is that you run into any sort of awkward social situation when you’re warming up. It’ll basically break that socially-cautious ice in your mind and allow you to be more extroverted.
I’ve been in awkward dinners with some friends and then went to parties afterwards where I absolutely killed it, the trick: warming up.
Get social before getting social. Go buy gum and make an awkward comment to the cashier, whatever you do will work.
Let’s sum it up, the best advice out there is the following: GO OUT.
Make a commitment to be uncomfortable but face new social situations. There's nothing else that will help you more on learning how to get over shyness and get you feeling more confident!
Life has dealt you a hand of cards, you’ll decide to make the best out of it without complaining. No one likes being around whiners, so take the right attitude and work on it.
How to get over shyness comes in an easy formula:
Social Experiences + Correct Guidance = Social Success
If you want to learn how to get over shyness and be able to:
Then you've got to start working on your confidence in social situations, feeling more at ease, feeling like you're a cool guy, feeling worthy and feeling comfortable in your own skin.
Just take all the stress that social discomfort brings to your life.
Learn how to get over shyness, work hard on it and if people call you shy; let it slip. I remember how frustrating it felt when I was trying to be more social and people still called me as shy. The only thing you can control is your actions. Embrace the work that comes with change and be happy about it. No pain, no gain. And just remember, Go out and get social!
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