How to be more Assertive -
State your Opinion and get What You Want

Learning how to be more assertive is fundamental for the development of your confidence, self-love and self-esteem.

Being assertive is really important in relationships, the workplace, social circles and meeting new people. It’s a basic confidence-related skill in all social areas, and working on it will actually help you develop a lot of confidence.

Why You MUST Learn How to Be More Assertive:

Being assertive is both and statement to the world as it’s a statement to yourself.

As a statement to the world: You draw lines, you tell people that you are to be respected and there’s limits to certain conducts.

This is important in friendships so that your friends know that they can joke around but there’s certain lines that can’t be crossed.

In romantic relationships it’s extremely important, certain rules are established in a relationship and these rules are usually set by being able to express whenever you don’t like someone’s conduct. If your girlfriend likes burping and you don’t appreciate it; if you don’t call her out on it the first time, you can expect it to happen is over and over again.

As a statement to yourself: You are reinforcing your own value system to yourself, you are telling yourself “this is what I deserve, this is what I accept and anything out of this won’t be accepted into my life.”

Being assertive of what you want and don’t want, what you will and won’t accept is incredibly rewarding to your self-esteem. It’s actually one of the main ways to make a shift in your opinion of yourself.

Learning how to be more assertive actually is a fundamental pillar on building self-esteem and confidence.

Be assertive, draw lines and create boundaries early on when meeting people.

Confidence is always Comfortably Sitting in The Middle:

There’s an important distinction here, assertiveness comes from a natural capacity to set your standards on the line. You define in your own life, what’s good and what’s bad.

Being too passive: Letting people step all over you is terrible; you basically let everyone’s standards be more important that yours, people will quickly lose respect for you if you act this way.

Being too aggressive: Purposely drawing lines all over the place is also weak, it will also make you look like a sociopath. The way you become more assertive is natural, it’s not about thinking that everyone wants to screw you over and being on defensive mode.

The point is not to be too rigid as well, you also might be wrong sometimes, learn to humbly accept whenever you’re wrong and move along.

Define your Value System:

A value system is a set of ideas by what you go with, it’s also a set of rules of what you accept and what you don’t in life.

Do you like getting slapped? Is that an ok behavior from others? Are you just going to laugh it off next time it happens?

Do you value friendship? Will you allow someone who disrespects friendship to be your friend?

Making a clear distinction on how to be more assertive:

  • First define what your values are: Have a clear concept of what you value in life. There’s no way you can draw lines if you don’t know what you consider correct and what not, what’s valuable and what’s not valuable.
  • Make a list of your values: Not so you can carry it around and read it out loud to people; but rather to really think about what your values are, it’ll help you a lot on learning how to be more assertive. You might not actually be aware that you value friendships until you actually think about your value system and write it down.
  • Set boundaries where they must be set: It’s actually time to start noticing when your values are being violated and act upon them. For example: Recently I noticed I valued “trust” a lot (after I did my value list) and I found out my friend’s girlfriend (who is also my friend) cheated on him. I’m not out there to judge anyone; however I do not value this kind of behavior so she’s obviously going to lose some points in the-kind-of-person-I-want-to-be-around-of list.

This is the real core of what being assertive is all about, being clear what your values are and not letting them get run over.

Once someone tries to do something you don’t agree with then you’ll be assertive on it, they’ll appreciate you showed them where the line is and you’ll gain their respect.

The Power of Saying No:

“No” is actually a pretty hard word to pronounce for a lot of people; including myself.

Being assertive sometimes gets as easy as saying “no.” whenever it’s time to say so. Practice saying no to things you don’t want to do that you’ll usually say yes to.

Control Your Temper:

Whenever something we don’t like happens, we’ll usually have a strong emotional reaction to it. Say, a coworker is yelling at you for no good reason and you instantly get embarrassed or angry.

It’s time to draw a boundary: you don’t accept this kind of behavior, the best way if to first control your emotions. Then calmly assert that in your life that behavior towards you is unacceptable.

Say someone asks you to do something that you don’t really want to do, just straight up say no. Don’t suck it up and do it anyways, draw a boundary for whatever your reason is.

One Final note:

Work on speaking your mind: If you think something is fine then go with it, if not then let people know you don’t like it. Discuss your ideas for the value they have and let people know your opinion, you must start valuing your own personal criteria and stand for what you opinion is.

ALWAYS add social intelligence to your social interactions, sometimes it’s better to just go with the flow even if you don’t agree with a certain boss’ decisions for example.

NEVER accept second class behavior from anyone, ideas can be discussed but when things turn personal and start offending your self-worth; you must stop that immediately. If a girl you’re dating gets mad at you because you’re not taking her to an expensive restaurant; cut that off.

The most important thing in learning how to be assertive is above all to be cool about it; no one likes people throwing tantrums around just because they don’t like something, neither people who are just too scared to speak their mind. As always, Go out and get social.

Related Articles:

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How to handle rejection - Part 2

The 3 things that will make you a leader: Get ALL the people to follow you.

Building Social Skills: Learn to go from shy and loner to cool and social.

Destroy Your Extreme Shyness: And live up to your full social potential!

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