At some point in our lives we've all wondered how to be cool; why are some kids cooler than others? What defines what’s cool and what’s not cool? Was I born “not cool”?
At some unconscious level we all recognize what “cool” looks like. Maybe you can’t express it in specific words – but one way or another our brain recognizes this so called “coolness”. We know that something or someone is cool when we see it.
So what’s defines this “coolness” and how can you learn how to be cool?
Back in high school, I would sense a sort of invisible barrier between me and the cool guys, it seemed like I could never fit in with them or be someone like them. Becoming cool seemed unreachable.
Having lots of friends and social connections, being someone who everyone wants to be around of, having the attention of the cute girls, etc. That’s all I wanted, was it too much to ask? I bet you can relate.
The answer was to learn how to be cool.
Before we get to the “how to” we must first learn the “what” and the “why”. So, what is it that people in general consider to be cool in other people?
The answer is: Social Value.
Social value is the value you bring to social situations. In general people naturally will value socially speaking things such as:
Those elements are in great part what constitute someone’s social value. Everyone is after social value because we want to be enhanced by nature, cool people have it and we all just want to be around it. Are you bringing any of these things to the table?
To get social opportunities we must master Social Value, embody all these good things that will draw people towards you.
Being cool is not about being a cheap copy of somebody else, it’s about taking your personality and building full trust in it, expressing it with full confidence and being able to relax in any social situation.
A common misconception is that cool people are jerks. In some cases it actually pays off to be a jerk and it gets you ahead. However, this is not what anyone wants.
Usually people who are acting like jerks to get attention from others are actually just insecure people, people who are genuinely cool don’t need anyone’s attention.
Coolness actually shows itself in different shapes and forms. Sometimes being a quiet mysterious guy might seem cool, sometimes the outspoken guy is the coolest one, sometimes just being friendly is cool.
There is no way someone can be “the coolest guy in every situation” so don’t stress about it.
So, to learn how to be cool you must first realize that your personality will only change as much as you want it to, and that it’s ok to be whoever you want to be. Just imagine your personality staying the same but being fully confident in all of your actions, that’s what learning how to be cool is really all about.
Things about yourself can change, for example you can become more open to others and you could take that as a change worth making, but ultimately there’s nothing wrong with your personality.
Oftentimes we think that we are not "cool" because something is wrong with us or our personality.
Coolness is the impression people will get from how ok you are with being yourself.
Back in high school I was chilling with a few cool guys who started a long conversation about Pokémon, in high school that was probably the “nerdiest” thing to talk about (even though I think it’s totally awesome) – How can something be both cool and not cool? Well, it was all about who was talking obviously.
Again, coolness is defined by your self-acceptance. This self-acceptance must be accompanied by some sort of social intelligence of course.
If you’re cool and wear a Pikachu costume then that’s funny, but if you’re not cool then you’ll be totally weird.
If you have social value and are socially savvy you can get away with almost anything.
A cool guy has made a mentality shift, or maybe was raised in a way where he developed it.
The most important and most basic shift is the following:
Seek for approval only within yourself, NEVER look at others to dictate when you should feel good about yourself.
Of course I’m not talking about being a sociopath, there must be social intelligence added in the formula.
It doesn’t happen over-night, but you now know how it all works.
You get Social Intelligence (become socially savvy) from social experiences and you will get social value as a consequence of your own self-belief.
In the long run, learning how to be cool cool becomes about jumping in a positive cycle, as you get better reactions from people, your mind starts reinforcing the belief in your own coolness.
The more you reinforce this belief in your own coolness the better reactions you’ll get, but it’s all a cycle that comes from first getting into it by working on your social skills.
This is the sweet spot to be in, not because you want approval from others but because it’d mean you’ve successfully made your life feed itself with good emotions. Just like a bad cycle is hard to break, a good cycle auto-feeds and makes your life so much cooler. But you can only achieve this if you Go out and Get Social!
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