How should i start changing my life

by Taneli
(Tallinn, Estonia)



Question:



So I’m an 18 year old student from Estonia, i live in a small town with like 30k people. I'm not as shy as most of the shy guys, but i don't know how to
get successful at socializing.

My story then, I’ve always had the same group of friends or no friends at all. Usually at weekends I’m the one staying at home, before it was like i had to
call my friends to hangout with them. I would basically hit them up, ask what they were doing (while they were already having fun, partying, etc.) and told
them I’ll join them. They never started pushing me back or found any excuses for me not to come, but they never invited me to. I want to be a social
person, a cool guy!

ATM I’m in a situation with a girl i like, that we're going to meet up for the first time. She lives like 100 Km away and we've never met before. I know
she likes me and i like her, I try to "fake till I make it", she doesn't know my life as it is. She only knows the things I’ve said to her, i haven’t lied
to her or anything, but i haven't told her the complete truth either. I'm not starting to ask questions of what to do on a date, because I’m inexperienced.
I rather think of it as an opportunity to learn, I’ll just use some of your tips of being attractive, relaxed, not overthinking etc. I've learned a lot
from PUA forums, PUA's in general. So i know how not to be needy and how not to act, I’ve learned to talk to girls, in general. Not being worried about
rejection, weirdness etc. As I’ve realized she thinks I’m the alpha male already, she talks about how bad other guys are at getting with her, and how much
she likes me, like every day. She constantly calls me and sometimes i call her, but only for a reason, not to chitchat.

So yeah, that's my story. As you can read of it I’ve practiced talking with/being around women, but I’m unable to get social success with friends etc. And
i don't even know how to start.

Answer:

Hey Taneli, how’s it going? It looks like we have a pretty similar background, I can relate a lot to your story. Especially the part about not ever
connecting in a social manner; anyway, here´s my go at it.

It all basically comes into two main areas on the exact same thing.

1. Offering value:

The first thing you must know is that we are all individuals, there´s some kind of selfish (healthy and normal selfishness) nature to all of us. We are all
seeking for ways in which we can feel better, seeking for where the coolness is so that we can have a little piece of it, and situations where we can have
fun.

Little times anyone actually stops and thinks what can I ADD to other people, ´how can I make others feel better?´, ‘how can I make this situation cool?´ ,
´how can I make this situation fun?´.

In the answer to all those questions lies the secret of making people naturally drawn towards you, people wanting to be around you, and people calling you
up because they want you to be there.

2. Holding value:

So, offering value is a good thing. But there´s a thin line between offering value and becoming a ´dancing monkey´, and ESPECIALLY between adding value and
the feeling of:


  • “I have to constantly be pushing myself for other people to like me”.

  • “People just don´t like me for me”.



And whatever other thought might come up of a similar nature.

As I said there is a fine line; knowing yourself around it and maneuvering it at will is in the end a BIG chunk of social success.

1) Knowing how to actively add to interactions.

2) Holding your cool and being centered.

How to Add Value:

Adding can be basically put into the concept of “Self-amusement”. From a place of high self-esteem; self-amusement is the ultimate way of adding value to
social interactions.

Self-amusement is about finding the things that make YOU happy, the things that make YOU laugh, and the things that make YOU have a good time.

While you are living you very own, fun, abundant, and positive life; you share it with others just for the sake of it. This is a ´skill´ that you cultivate
over time and there´s manners to do so:

Actively practice positivity:
Stop the negative thoughts; build a life that feeds you with positivity.

Be proactive socially without taking it personally:
If you find yourself being anti-social, you practice putting yourself into that social mood for the sake of your very own social success. Actively seek for
the situations that make you socially grow and cut yourself a ton of slack when it doesn´t work.

Diversify your social groups: Knowing lots of people becomes just by the fact of it a socially valuable thing for others.

How to Hold Value:

Holding is about KNOWING that you are valuable already, it´s also based on deep self-esteem.

I have many times found myself being just too socially proactive, just too eager to contribute to the conversation you´re in. It comes
from a place of feeling like just ‘being’ is just not enough.

Holding your value is all about, like you said, ´faking it till you make it´, act entitled, KNOW yourself to be entitled. The only way to build it is
through self-love, self-appreciation and actively building a positive self-image of yourself.

Not based on external approval but rather on BELIEVING in who you are becoming, TRUSTING the direction you are giving to your life, and REALIZING that you
are just a guy, but so is everyone else, we´re all just humans and we get what we think we deserve and that’s the ONLY thing making a difference. Even
though we all deserve coolness, appreciation, love, positivity; only those who feel entitled to get it will.

UNDERSTANDING that simple concept is the ´cheat´ to the whole social matrix.

Fill your life with positive things, positive people and situations, start building NOW the life of your dreams and people will naturally flow towards you
because you become all about giving good experiences back to the world.

While at the same time try, try and try some more, meet more people, have more fun, put yourself in the social situations that will help you grow your
social skills, try so hard that you force your emotions to comply with your goals. And then, even if you ´failed´, you just know you tried your hardest and
that even more amazing than any result.

Inherently, this is where true coolness comes from; acting without expecting a result and guess what kind of people other people love to be around.

Cheers!

Gary.

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