The infamous friendzone, it is told that Aristotle became such an iconic member of society because his crush Priscilla "just wanted to be friends" with him. The pain and despair that this situation brought him caused him to become one of the greatest philosophers the world has ever seen.
Of course that is a fake story, but I wouldn’t doubt it if Aristotle got friend-zoned at some point in his life.
The classic story is that a guy meets a cutie and he gets a crush on her, he gets to know her, starts listening to her problems with her douchebag boyfriend, starts being an understanding guy, being nice, always being there for her… Yuk!
And the classic result to this classic story is that she starts seeing this guy as her “girl-friend”, someone who supports her and is always there for her, and nothing more! But there’s still hope for him, right?
He texts her every day, she invites him over to watch movies with her friends. There might be a possibility.
And then, he finally gets the guts to come out and tell her that she’s the love of his life!
“I like you but only as a friend”
Oh the pain and despair!
Hey, I’m not here to make fun of anyone, I was also in such situation at some point in my life, just like Aristotle.
When you meet someone, you know nothing about this new person. Maybe you’re physically attracted to them, you think they look cool, whatever; but there’s nothing much you can tell about this person just after a few seconds of meeting them.
The first thing you’ll be unconsciously and naturally inclined to do is to place this new person somewhere in your social map. Is this guy cool, funny, a nerd, a geek, confident, insecure, etc.
And especially: we will try to see where they fit relative to us. Is this guy cooler than me? Is he someone who I could befriend? Etc.
As social creatures, we’re always looking to establish roles with one another. We’re always pinging off small social cues to place ourselves at some position on the social ladder, we want to know ‘who’ stands ‘where’ so we know how to act around them and preserve the social order of things.
It’s just the way we work as social creatures.
With girls there are basically two types of guys, the guys they are going to ‘just be friends’ with and the guys who they are attracted to. And since girls’ attraction works mainly based on social cues and social status; this whole aspect becomes way more relevant.
And this is precisely the part that as guys we fail to understand.
I mean, being brutally honest here, we would probably hook up with most of our attractive friends who are girls, right? Just because… we already think they’re hot/attractive, and that’s just enough for us.
Since this whole attraction thing works differently for girls, if they have placed you in the ‘social ladder’ as a nice guy, then it becomes much harder for them to place you on a different social paradigm where you suddenly are the cool guy/the guy they’d hook-up with. (Because social roles don’t easily change)
Result: Her perception of you has already been established, is she has already discarded you from being a possible mate, but she likes you as a person, then you’re ‘just her friend’.
Girls can’t control what they’re attracted to: Same way you are attracted to a nice face, beautiful hair, perfect lips, an amazing boy, etc. She is inherently attracted to confidence, dominance and social status. Being put into the friendzone usually comes together with truly becoming her FRIEND, maybe you like her but you want to somehow buy her attraction by being just too nice, too friendly, going out of your way to please her just a little too much.
And doing this you are purposely portraying yourself as being the complete opposite of confident, dominant and a high status guy. Not because being nice is bad, but because you are being too nice, as if she was more important to you than you are to yourself.
You become what you project yourself to be as: If you act like a friend you will most likely become just a friend. Your intentions must be clear, you must communicate with the women you are attracted to and have any interest in, in a man-to-woman way, not in a girl-friend-to-girl-friend way.
Now that you know why guys fall into the friendzone, you can avoid it.
To avoid it is way easier than to escape it, your best strategy again the dreaded friendzone is to AVOID it altogether. And it begins by:
To not be “just her friend”, you´ve got to present yourself as someone who could be a possible partner for her. Apart from all the evolutionary reasons that cause attraction, there’s also another aspect which is the social roles that are established.
Are you her girl-friend?
Are you her little brother?
Or are you her future boyfriend?
It is all defined in how you interact with each other and it is early established. If you place yourself as the latter then you are pretty safe from being put into the friendzone.
To place yourself as boyfriend/partner/mate material, you need to act as such and establish it. What this means is that you flirt with her, tease her, have fun with her and maintain a nice and exciting tension with her in your interactions.
Analyze how your interactions with women have been going lately, and start switching into building a nice sexual tension with her that you can both enjoy.
This doesn’t mean you should be bluntly sexual with her, but rather start by playfully teasing, drop the sexual comment here and there, hold a good and nice eye contact with her, and most importantly begin building that identity where you can see yourself as a guy that women like and is worthy of their attention.
Go out and get social.