Feel better about myself like when I was younger?

by Tony
(Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada)

Question by Tony:

"I'm close to 40 and I've gone on some dates but no real long term relationships. I was ok with that about until 3 or 4 years ago.

I feel like there is something wrong with me and I have trouble relating to other people. I go to social events at work but I don't say much in big groups. I always feel people judge me because I have never had a long term relationship.

I've tried to take more classes and join some social groups but I haven't really met anyone yet and most people are married. I never liked going to the bars that much. I travel a lot by myself and go to eat by myself and I used to enjoy it but now I feel weird when everyone has somebody with them.

I guess I'm not enjoying life as much the older I get and I find myself not being where I should be in life compared to other people my age. Does anyone else feel this way?"

Answer by Gary:

Hey tony!

It's never too late to start working on yourself. After all, you can sit and complain about the time you've "lost" and waste even more time.

Truth is that as years pass by, our emotional intelligence grows and we are able to deal with stressing situations in a better way. Don't feel bad about your situation by comparing with others as comparison will NEVER lead ANYONE in the world to feel good about themselves.

There will always be someone in a situation that you wish you were in and there's nothing one can do about it. You can only move forward and build the life that you want.

As far as building this life; if you're not getting the results you want then something's gotta change. Different actions will lead to different results. That's pretty obvious, eh?

As far as I can see you're having some trouble relating to people, meeting women (and keeping them) and maybe having some trouble fitting in (or feeling like you don't fit in).

First thing is that success is usually a few tweaks away. We usually build up this huge drama in our heads and make it a bigger deal than it actually is.

Again, it's all in our heads. We can fool ourselves to be really sociable and charismatic or the opposite. Either way we choose one path or the other depending on fear, anxiety, social value, the way we were raised or maybe a natural disposition to be introverted or extroverted.

How we react to all those things is completely up to us; however the emotional factor and how it makes us feel is what really constitutes the "big deal" in our heads.

Getting what you want in life usually constitutes a lifestyle change and it's pretty good that you've already tried to do this by for example actively trying to meet new people.

Putting yourself in the social situations in only the half of the job; the other half is about actively "going for it". Breaking the usual mold of being quiet and making yourself someone who usually contributes to the interaction, someone who has fun conversations with strangers and just a generally social person.

The best way to do this is to "warm up"; especially if you're an introvert, being social doesn't usually happen like a light switch. As usually logical people (introverts) we lack on connecting with the emotional part of ourselves and therefore it's harder to "vibe" with others.

Read more about emotionally connecting with others: What is attraction

Warming up means slowly but surely becoming social. For example, before a social gathering you try to do a few things before, go for a walk, talk to neighbors, go to the shop, etc.

Same way, as you get to the gathering you should start talking with people and it'll naturally "flow". Next thing you know you're speaking up in the large group as you're feeling the self-worth and confidence to do so.

Getting women is a consequence of not needing them. The better your life is for yourself, the more fun you have by yourself or with your friends, the more women will naturally want to be a part of that party you call your life.

It's all about enjoying your hobbies, being who you want to be socially (charismatic, funny or just a chill cool guy) and not being needy.

Read more about what women want and how to achieve it: What is attraction

Best Wishes,

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Jul 02, 2014
Tony Here
by: Tony

Thanks for your reply I apreciate your advice!

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