Being a nice guy never works with girls; it’s just real life common knowledge. Regardless of what Hollywood sells, we all know that being just too nice leads you to being taken for granted, ignored, or even worse; in the dreaded friendzone.
There’s just no way around it, you want to be a Disney prince and these girls seem to be obsessed over the douchebags.
It is frustrating, especially if you are anything like me. I grew up believing myself to be one of those classic Hollywood examples. You know: loser-ish guy meets gorgeous girl at school, she has a boyfriend who’s not cool to her at all, treats her bad, flirts with other girls. Loser guy falls madly in love with her but she’s with this bad guy already, drama happens, loser guy becomes the hero and gets the girl in the end.
Isn’t that the dream? The stunning girl likes you just for you, you can continue being a nice guy, continue being ‘yourself’ and she will just like you because she sees how much of a good person you are.
I actually still think that that would be pretty cool, but, that’s not REALITY, that’s never how it ends up working out. In reality; nice guys finish last.
A nice guy is a pushover, the guy who drives girls around, listens to their problems, goes out of his way to please them, put other’s need before his.
In return, the nice guy expects people to reciprocate such behavior, or at least give him something. This is especially true with the way they act around girls, I used to hold doors for them and treat them in an ‘overly respectful’ manner.
There are multiple reasons why being a nice guy doesn’t work, and they’re all related to what you are displaying to others:
There’s a dark side to this whole nice guy behavior, and to some extent we are all guilty of it. Behind all this niceness there is the need to get acceptance from others, not because being nice to others is the cool thing to do, but because somehow nice guys want to ‘buy others’ with their niceness.
Being a nice guy is inherently valuing others more than you value yourself, which means you want to have a little piece of their value, and therefore you are portraying a TAKING attitude instead of an ADDING attitude.
By being too nice you are being a social leech.
If you act like a boss, people will buy into it and react accordingly, if you act like a leader, same thing will happen. It is no different when you act low value, people will buy into your low value and treat you accordingly.
As social beings, we are constantly trying to find our ‘social place’ compared to others, ‘where do I fit in here?’ looking for social cues in others to find our place in the tribe.
When you believe yourself to be ‘less’ than others, you will be naturally inclined to show those cues, and others will pick them up. This is how social roles are established.
A nice guy projects all these things about himself and as a consequence gets no respect from others, this translates into having no reciprocated romantic interest from any woman EVER, usually not being taken seriously by cool guys, etc.
Women want to have a boyfriend who they perceive to some extent to be ‘cooler’ than them, and by being too nice you are sending her all of the opposite signals.
Result: Nice guys are plain and boring.
Well, if you think about why a nice doesn’t get her, it sort of becomes obvious why the bad guy does. The bad guys are unconsciously projecting themselves to be the complete opposite. The bad guy thinks he’s cooler than everyone, he is not afraid of conflict, he is not trying to be nice to anyone and he goes for what he wants.
Since he believes himself to be cooler, he portrays the cues that will lead people to believe it. To girls this represents someone who is a social ‘upgrade’ to them, and if this guy is interested in them, she’ll ‘invest’ and get hooked on this exiting guy.
Result: Bad boys are exciting, there’s drama, good and bad emotions, a whole emotional rollercoaster on something ‘worth investing on’.
So, what’s the solution?
Getting a motorbike, a leather jacket and just being a disrespectful douche to everyone around you?
Well, no, duh!
Extremes are always weak and learning the hard way that being nice doesn’t work usually throws you to the other extreme, when in reality true strength lies in knowing your way around the center.
Knowing why being a nice guy doesn’t work helps you take the best from both worlds.
You can be Nice:
While still being cool:
To genuinely stop being the bad kind of nice guy you have to work on your self-esteem and self-image, and that’s what will make the difference, you will naturally be inclined to be confident.
However there’s a few things you can do right now to stop your nice guy behavior:
When you want to be nice, be genuinely nice; don’t expect a response for others. Being nice is actually a cool thing, but when it becomes a way to ‘buy’ good reactions from others it makes you weak.
Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself, this means that even if you enjoy being carelessly nice, you’ll have to sometimes be rude if someone is being unfair to you. This is one of those moments where you do what has to be done and stand up for yourself; as a result you’ll start building the idea that ‘I am more important to ME than others’.
Being a people pleaser can become an addiction, and it is actually one that’s pretty hard to break. It only ends when you learn to not care of what other people think.
In the meantime, you can start noticing when these people pleasing kind of thoughts are popping up and act regardless of them.
‘I like my pink shirt but maybe people will think I’m gay if I wear it’. Wear it just for the sake of teaching yourself that your opinion is more valuable than the one of others.
‘I will filter what I say as much as possible so that what I say doesn’t offend anyone’. Teach yourself to be ok with your opinions and thoughts regardless of what others might think of them.
In the end it all comes down to being a nice guy for the RIGHT reasons, as a cool and confident guy who wants to bring a good time to others, someone who is offering value from a confident position. Practice is key, go out and get social.