5 Questions about Talking in Groups
Hi, Thanks for creating this wonderful site. I seem to have an issue with socializing. I talk well when I am with a single person. I can talk about deep issues, joke around, and listen to their thoughts, experiences quite well.
But, then in groups (more than 3 people) I become really quiet. The groups mostly tend to be around joking. I don't joke while in groups or talk about trivial stuff nor do I tend to like teasing a person nor do I tend to talk random matters. This keeps me quiet during the group conversation. I tend to talk in a monotonous voice which further decreases my ability to be heard in a group.
The bigger issue turns out that after I am quiet in the group, I talk and the talk has already ended. The people with whom I had good relationships before the group talk; it becomes awkward to be with them later, and then they also start to ignore me (thinking I am boring or uninfluential or something else)and I lose my status or something.
This causes me to lose the friendships I had and become lonely again. And most of my friends seem to like to be in groups rather than be on in a one on one conversation and so I keep losing friends. Till I have none and everyone else I know is in some group or the other, and I am in none of them and lonely.
Please share your thoughts on how I can solve these In short my questions are: 1.
How to talk well in a group that focuses more on making jokes to be fun, talk about trivialities or teasing people in the group when You don't do any of these activities. 2.
How to stop losing your close friends when you are with them in a group talk and you say nothing they gravitate towards more popular people and become part of the group and You start feeling awkward with them and they start thinking of you as boring as you don't talk in the group they are in. 3.
How to stop people from thinking that you are boring and they lose interest in talking with you. 4.
How to stop groups from ignoring what you say when you say something. 5.
How to avoid the situation where everyone you see has joined a group and you are in none.
Jowin SGary’s Answer:
Hey Jowin, thank you for your questions and good comments, this site is dedicated to guys like me and I can definitely relate with you on this one and been through the same struggles. Anyway, let’s get to it!
1. How to talk well in a group that focuses more on making jokes to be fun, talk about trivialities or teasing people in the group when You don't do any of these activities.
To fix this first issue you’ve got to first understand why people prefer those trivial topics over the deep ones. Hanging out in groups actually goes much deeper than just conversing and sharing ideas, hanging out is actually about sharing emotions.
Conversation in general goes much deeper than just sharing ideas. This is one of those things that that over millions of years has evolved to be this way and it’s something deeply attached to our human nature. Emotions make of feel this way or the other and generally this excitement gets us hooked. This is the reason we enjoy hanging out with other people; because you can get together and share emotions. Learn more about it here.
So, you will basically never logically tackle this issue. I mean; you can logically understand what is going on but you won’t be able to integrate into the group and talk better by being extremely logical.
Well, unless you find of extremely logical people and discuss the deepness of life and the universe all day. Then again, that make you too socially savvy or able to make your way around life with your social skills which is what will take you places. I’m not disregarding being logical, as a matter of fact that’s actually my nature, your nature and the nature of thousands of other guys reading this site. There’s just a place and a time for everything.
The way to learn how to
integrate into those kinds of conversations is to learn how to go with the emotions of the group and take part by actually beign part of it. Yes, this will mean developing your social intuition and confidence to add to the fun, add to the good emotions and just let go and enjoy.
The way I actually learning to do this was: Diversifying my social options:
If I were stuck with just one group of friends I would had stayed as the quiet logical guy forever I think. Getting multiple friend groups allowed be to unconsciously learn about different dynamics and expose myself to different kinds of social pressures. One group might see you as one type of guy and another as a different type of guys. Interestingly the way your group sees you actually influences you a lot. If they see you as a cool guy you’ll actually feel positive social pressure off them to become that cool guy.
2/3. How to stop losing your close friends when you are with them in a group talk and you say nothing they gravitate towards more popular people and become part of the group and You start feeling awkward with them and they start thinking of you as boring as you don't talk in the group they are in. /How to stop people from thinking that you are boring and they lose interest in talking with you.
Hey, everyone is out there trying to being in the warm end of the pool. Even your closest friends will want to be where the fun is, and this might mean sometimes not paying much attention to the friend who’s not adding much to the group. Again, it’s human nature, it actually has nothing to do with you and a lot to do with themselves. So, PLEASE do not take it personally when this happens.
This takes us to the actual problem which I’m still sometimes guilty of too; clinginess.
One thing is to add to the fun, another to not add anything at all and another to TAKE from the fun. Being clingy actually repels people away. What I mean by clingy in this case is:
- Always being near your friend when you’re actually surrounded by people.
- Trying to only socialize with your friend even when there’s a whole other conversation going on.
- Clinging to your friend as a safety net.
You get the gist of it.
On part, your friend will actually feel like you’re sucking the fun out of being in a social situation. On the other part, you/we definitely make a bigger deal out of it than it actually is, your friend will not hate you or dislike you.
It will only disappear the more you start ADDING
to the fun instead of TAKING
from it, the answer comes in the shape of social skills/savviness/intuition/intelligence and displaying your personality with confidence. You’ll learn this through lots and intelligent social exposure. 4. How to stop groups from ignoring what you say when you say something.
Continuing on the same note, the more you start showing your personality with confidence the more you will be adding instead of subtracting. This is how you naturally become the type of guy who people want to be around of. The more you are this type of guy the more people will pay attention to whatever you have to say.
Another trick is to learn how to project the idea that you are that type of guy through your voice and body language. You can learn more about it here. 5. How to avoid the situation where everyone you see has joined a group and you are in none.
On this one I’d recommend you to what I said in question 1, diversifying your social options is a must. No one particular social situation will be THAT important if you have other social groups to hang out with.
On a general note, learning social skills and confidence will affect your life in ALL matters. Follow your dreams, I used to be really lonely and awkward.
I dreamed about having lots of friends, lots of activities I could do with those friends, the skills to connect with people easily and becoming better with girls. Seize the opportunity to grow in your social skills and get all the things you want. Best wishes, Gary.