30 years old and struggling
Hi, I'm 30 years old and I've been the shy guy all my life. I don't have more than a couple of friends. I've had only one girlfriend in my entire life.
We dated for three months but I eventually lost her because I was needy. I feel it's difficult to make the transformation after 30. Do I still have hope?Gary's Answer:
Hey Adrian, Thanks for your question!
If the question is just about whether there's any hope for you, or not, then the answer is: Yes, there's definitely hope for you.
Actually there's a lot for you to work with.
Age, by no means defines your capacity to change or not.
As you get older, you get more centered and emotionally stable. At least more than you were in your teenage years. If anything; your emotional intelligence grows.
On the flip side; with age also comes "ego", and this will be the only thing that you will have against you.What does ego mean in this context?
It has to do with your mind and resisting change - your identity.
You have an idea in your head of who you are and what you do - let's call it 'ego'. If you're trying to change, become more social, outspoken, extroverted, charismatic and get success with women; your ego try to stay as it is to preserve your self concept. Without self concept you'd feel a bit lost.
It usually comes in the form of: feeling embarrassed, feeling awkward, ideas like: 'I feel stupid', 'this is not who I am', 'I'm not worthy', etc.
It's your mind's self-defense mechanism to prevent change.But why would your mind stop you from getting the life that you want?
- On one side: because it demands a lot of effort.
You survive with your life as it is right now, right?
You get access to food and shelter. Why spend energy on something else? Where will this energy come from? Is there any time for this? How will it change your daily routine?
All those thoughts are deep rooted in one's unconscious
mind, and the truth is that sometimes they are stronger than the wish to take a risk and build something that makes you happy and fulfilled.
So, how do you get past this obstacle?
Well, you will beat your unconscious by using your conscious mind. Oftentimes this means reframing those self defeating thoughts with positive thinking.
Learning to think Positively
Other times, it means just acting regardless of unconscious discouraging or anxiety provoking thoughts.
It's actually a combination of both.
- On the other side:
Changing who you are (socially speaking )and improving your social skills means seeing the world in another perspective.
This also demands a lot of 'mind effort' and your self concept is trying to remain unchanged to prevent feeling lost and
Even getting success can feel a bit weird and a little confusing even. I've been there; seeing things in a different perspective and getting different reactions from people feels confusing and like you want to go back to 'comfort'.
Those are just a couple of things to consider about how your ego can work against you.
Don't be afraid to feel awkward, try new things, admit that you've got some learning to do, feel like you're 'too old' and basically do whatever it takes to get the life that you want!
It's actually not as hard as it seems. But, like I've said before: when we get emotions in the way of our goals it seems like the biggest deal in the world.
The map has been laid down. Here at Social Success Mastery we have basically drawn the map to social success and it's up to you guys to take the map, walk the road and find the treasure.
Is it impossible and extremely hard?
Is it easy?
All it really takes is really wanting to improve your life, truly desiring it will make you want to walk the road, the rest is just taking the steps!
PS: Here's some articles to get started on the basics of each area:Getting and Keeping the GirlBeating ShynessLearning how to connect with people